Daddy - Guest Post by Ashley Rose

So many things have changed in the past 6 years. Almost all of the friends that I have now have never met my dad. He never saw me attend Miss Porter’s School, a place that shaped my beliefs and values. He never saw me change from the theater girl to the sports nut, and never helped me through my college process.

Would he have been at every squash, softball, and volleyball game in high school? I know it. Would he have been so excited to be a part of Michigan football that he would have drained his bank account to fly out to the big games? Absolutely.

And I miss him every day. Everything that I do, I think about how he would have reacted. I wonder what he would have thought of my choices and my career plans. I always hope that both he and my mother will forgive me for the choice I had to make that changed our lives forever. His death has created holes that are impossible to fill, and a constant quest for a sense of validation and a yearn for love that I’m still waiting for.

However, my life is not defined by what is missing, but it’s what I’ve gained because of it. My relationships with my friends have become stronger and more meaningful. My relationship with my mother, although rocky at times, is strong and has withstood the test of time. I can take one day reminiscing about what I don’t have, like a person to walk me down the aisle at my future wedding, or a big bear hug when I need it most, or I can cherish what I’ve come to appreciate because of it.

I’m allowing myself one day. One day to feel terrible about what I did, what I don’t have, and how much it sucks. And then tomorrow I will pick my head up, move forward, and work on becoming the best person I can be, because I want to be just like him.

I love you Daddy!

(10/22/41-1/30/04)