Marriage + Work

 (Rose from Alicia's kitchen table)

Today, I was reading through my daily blog feed, when something in a post caught my eye, "…thinking a lot about marriage, and how our culture does so little to prepare us for the whole thing".  I found myself nodding silently in agreement.

I remember back when I was in the midst of pre-marital counseling.  Often couples would say "marriage takes work".  I remember nodding my head back then too thinking eagerly that I was naively up for that challenge while at the same time having no idea what "work" even entailed. 

A few months ago in the midst of some major relationship reflection, I disected marital work to be mostly this:

A good marriage (or life!) takes work.  They don't just happen.  Period.  It takes work to be kind, to keep building a connection, to work through conflict, to face life together, date nights/vacations etc.  I truly believe that true, deep love (way past the infatuation stage) is built on this hard work together.

1) Talks:  One of my coworkers who has a marriage that I greatly admire, advised me that her and her husband have always had very honest talks with a twist: in the bathtub with a glass of wine.  Through out their twelve years together, they have always pushed themselves to address conflict, grievances, growing distance in their relationship through these talks.  These talks have inspired their own personal growth, fought complacency and kept them connected. 

2) Both people committed to self-awareness and personal growth.  Find and maintain your own personal fulfillment.   Two healthier people make a healtheir relationship.  It's as simple as that.

3) Both people committed to basic everyday love and respect.  She goes out of his way to make his lunch, he makes sure to ask and truly listen about how her day went.

4)  Love is a crazy risky thing that does require some faith.  So it's important to own the uncertainty and risk, both personally and together.  To stick to that faith in the rough patches. 

5) Challenging/holding your partner accountable in loving but firm ways.  I think it's a bunch of crap when people say you shouldn't marry someone you want to change.  Change is SO GOOD for human beings, plus change is inevitable.  Sure, you perhaps can't change temperaments or larger personality traits but you can challenge your partner's choice in coping skills, negative thinking patterns or smaller habits. 

Anyways, I leave this saying I view all of the above as a living statement.  Perhaps I will find it necessary to add/subtract as I go on with life and learn to love better.